What is a comfort movie?
It's a movie that you find yourself returning to time and time again. Maybe it's the story that helps you relax, or maybe it's the time and place where you had seen it, or who you had seen it with.
The movie itself may not be all that great, but there is something, some connection you make with that particular film that helps bring a smile right back to your face. Coyote Ugly may not be the greatest movie ever made (or barely passible by most standards), but the second I feel a cold coming on, or the week has done it's best to suck the soul right out of me, I pop that movie and, and in 90 minutes I'm back to feeling human again. If I'm feeling angry at the world, or feel like everything around me has suddenly turned to mud, I throw on ShortBus, and that anger has melted away, and my faith in humanity is restored. If I want to reconnect with my childhood, or just be reminded of times when life wasn't all that complicated I throw on Scream or A Nightmare on Elm Street (any of them will do, although I'm partial to two or four) or Friday the 13th part 6: Jason Lives or Part 8: Jason takes Manhattan, and suddenly I'm that 10 year old kid discovering scary movies for the first time.
It may not make sense to anyone else, but it doesn't have to. These aren't movies you really care about sharing with others. These are movies that you connect with, and what others think be damned.
So, all of this leads up to a question. What are your comfort movies? Think about it. What movies do you turn to every time the world just seems to want to punch you in the gut?
Friday, June 28, 2013
The Day to Day
I was diagnosed as bi-polar when I was in college. I had been drinking heavily, and had made the symptoms worse, more pronounced. I remember being unable to get out of bed one day, and then not being able to sit still the next.
After a failed suicide attempt, being hospitalized and finally finding sobriety in late 2007 I began to level out. Without the alcohol causing my mood swings to spiral out of control I returned to a more leveled state. I still have my ups and downs, but now I can work through them, fight through them.
The reason I mention this is because, right now, I am starting to realize that the stress from trying to figure out my future is causing my mood swings to ramp up slightly.
That is, until today. Today I feel level.
When someone says they feel level, it doesn't mean they feel flat or emotionless, it means they feel calm. Their emotions match the severity (or lack there of) of the situation that surrounds you. Today, I feel level for the first time in a while.
It doesn't take much to bring me down usually. Sitting and reading a book, or avoiding computers or anything to stimulating tends to help calm mania, and forcing myself to get up and get moving tends to help sooth my depression.
Last night, sitting on the back porch with my father, watching American Werewolf in London, helped bring me back to normal. Just having a moment reconnecting with the people who are most important to me is all it took.
Now, as I feel calmer, more centered, I can see that fog lifting, just a little, and I can start to see the outline of an idea, of a possible future, of a direction. It's like there is a big sign at the middle of a forked road. One arrow pointed down one path, the second aimed down another.
I can't read what the sign says, but at least I know it's there. I don't know exactly where the paths lead, but I have a growing idea. It doesn't sound like much, but it's such a relief to see something, anything start to form within my mind.
At least I know now that square one isn't that far away.
After a failed suicide attempt, being hospitalized and finally finding sobriety in late 2007 I began to level out. Without the alcohol causing my mood swings to spiral out of control I returned to a more leveled state. I still have my ups and downs, but now I can work through them, fight through them.
The reason I mention this is because, right now, I am starting to realize that the stress from trying to figure out my future is causing my mood swings to ramp up slightly.
That is, until today. Today I feel level.
When someone says they feel level, it doesn't mean they feel flat or emotionless, it means they feel calm. Their emotions match the severity (or lack there of) of the situation that surrounds you. Today, I feel level for the first time in a while.
It doesn't take much to bring me down usually. Sitting and reading a book, or avoiding computers or anything to stimulating tends to help calm mania, and forcing myself to get up and get moving tends to help sooth my depression.
Last night, sitting on the back porch with my father, watching American Werewolf in London, helped bring me back to normal. Just having a moment reconnecting with the people who are most important to me is all it took.
Now, as I feel calmer, more centered, I can see that fog lifting, just a little, and I can start to see the outline of an idea, of a possible future, of a direction. It's like there is a big sign at the middle of a forked road. One arrow pointed down one path, the second aimed down another.
I can't read what the sign says, but at least I know it's there. I don't know exactly where the paths lead, but I have a growing idea. It doesn't sound like much, but it's such a relief to see something, anything start to form within my mind.
At least I know now that square one isn't that far away.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Questions...
So, all my whining and contemplating aside, I know I'm not the only one going through this. In this day and age people are changing or careers, or trying to figure out what they want to do all the time. How do you deal with it? What do you want to do? What is your passion that you feel you can turn into a job?
Sound off in the comments section. I'm interested to hear, and I'm learning that it helps a lot to let it out.
Sound off in the comments section. I'm interested to hear, and I'm learning that it helps a lot to let it out.
Trying to be Positive: A memory I constantly return to...
So, while thinking about everything that has been going on, I have found myself focusing on the negative. Yet, I know that it wasn't all bad. Most of it was pretty good, actually. The problem is that those negatives are SO strong, so powerful, that they overtake my thoughts. So, for a change, I focus on those memories that still make me smile. You know the ones. They may not be anything major, or anything life changing. Most of the times they are little blips in the grand scheme of things, but when looked at closely they seem to glow so bright that you can't help but feel uplifted by them.
This is one memory that still makes me smile.
Working on Playboy Club was tough. Everyone was exhausted, missing their families, their lives, their freedom, and since most of the show was shot on a dark soundstage, people were missing seeing the sun.
Still, every night, while Michelle, the 2nd2nd AD would finish up her paperwork, and Felicia, the production secretary, would email off the last of the production notes for the day, I would head up to the office and talk to them. One night, after a particularly brutal day, we were all sitting around, and for some reason we started discussing The Golden Girls.
I don't know how it started, or why, but all I know is that the discussion led to all three of us singing the theme song.
Nothing can put a smile on my face faster then hearing that familiar music and the lyrics "Thank you for being a friend" sung with the conviction only a 90's TV theme song could muster.
It sounds so silly and so simple, but it's moments like that, that I never want to let go.
So, to Michelle and Felicia, thank you for that memory, for that brief moment where we all seemed to forget about the crazy that was surrounding us, and we just acted goofy for a few minutes.
This is one memory that still makes me smile.
Working on Playboy Club was tough. Everyone was exhausted, missing their families, their lives, their freedom, and since most of the show was shot on a dark soundstage, people were missing seeing the sun.
Still, every night, while Michelle, the 2nd2nd AD would finish up her paperwork, and Felicia, the production secretary, would email off the last of the production notes for the day, I would head up to the office and talk to them. One night, after a particularly brutal day, we were all sitting around, and for some reason we started discussing The Golden Girls.
I don't know how it started, or why, but all I know is that the discussion led to all three of us singing the theme song.
Nothing can put a smile on my face faster then hearing that familiar music and the lyrics "Thank you for being a friend" sung with the conviction only a 90's TV theme song could muster.
It sounds so silly and so simple, but it's moments like that, that I never want to let go.
So, to Michelle and Felicia, thank you for that memory, for that brief moment where we all seemed to forget about the crazy that was surrounding us, and we just acted goofy for a few minutes.
Frustration
So, another day has come, which means another day looking at job hunt websites.
One of the quickest ways to short circuit your brain is to go to these sites with no idea what you are looking for. It's almost instant information overload. I can feel my brain melting as I scan over the different job openings using location as my only guide, wondering if maybe the job I'm looking at is something I might be interested in. How do I know? I've been doing one thing for so long that I can't think of doing anything else.
The frustration sets in when I look at the job requirements. Even if I am interested, most entry level positions want a year to two years of experience. I have experience. Tons of experience, just not in that particular field.
This sounds horrible to say, but it is starting to feel like I've wasted the last couple years of my life.
Do I mean that? Do I really feel like all my years working on production was a waste? No. I met some amazing people, had some amazing experiences, but now that I want to move on, I feel like I've been trapped in a bubble, and the whole world decided to up and change around me.
So I sit here, trying to create a plan. How do you restart your adult life? The last time I was in this position I was right out of college, freshly sober, and with the world laid out in front of me. Now I find myself inching closer to 30, with no clear idea of what I want my future to be. Everything is shrouded in a thick haze, and I wish it would just clear a little so that I could get a glimpse, even a faint outline, of what I want to do.
During this time people try to be helpful, and I appreciate that. My family keeps throwing ideas at me. What about this? Or this? Or this? All that does is add to the frustration or confusion. I snap, I can't help it. Suddenly my brain fills up with information, and I just can't take it anymore. I can't focus, I can't think, and all I want is to retreat into a silent peace to sort everything out. It's like hearing voices in your head, except those voices are coming from people who care about you, who only want to help, and all you can think is "Please shut up. SHUT UP!"
So now I'm not only frustrated, but I feel like an ungrateful ass. They only want to help. They want to see my to succeed, and all I can do is snap at them? I repay their interest, and their concern with anger.
People usually describe life as a path, a journey. Do you take the high road, or the low road? The easy way, or the way less traveled? Here's my question. What do you do when you can't even see the road? What do you when the path ends, and you are just left with unexplored, dense, dark forest?
One of the quickest ways to short circuit your brain is to go to these sites with no idea what you are looking for. It's almost instant information overload. I can feel my brain melting as I scan over the different job openings using location as my only guide, wondering if maybe the job I'm looking at is something I might be interested in. How do I know? I've been doing one thing for so long that I can't think of doing anything else.
The frustration sets in when I look at the job requirements. Even if I am interested, most entry level positions want a year to two years of experience. I have experience. Tons of experience, just not in that particular field.
This sounds horrible to say, but it is starting to feel like I've wasted the last couple years of my life.
Do I mean that? Do I really feel like all my years working on production was a waste? No. I met some amazing people, had some amazing experiences, but now that I want to move on, I feel like I've been trapped in a bubble, and the whole world decided to up and change around me.
So I sit here, trying to create a plan. How do you restart your adult life? The last time I was in this position I was right out of college, freshly sober, and with the world laid out in front of me. Now I find myself inching closer to 30, with no clear idea of what I want my future to be. Everything is shrouded in a thick haze, and I wish it would just clear a little so that I could get a glimpse, even a faint outline, of what I want to do.
During this time people try to be helpful, and I appreciate that. My family keeps throwing ideas at me. What about this? Or this? Or this? All that does is add to the frustration or confusion. I snap, I can't help it. Suddenly my brain fills up with information, and I just can't take it anymore. I can't focus, I can't think, and all I want is to retreat into a silent peace to sort everything out. It's like hearing voices in your head, except those voices are coming from people who care about you, who only want to help, and all you can think is "Please shut up. SHUT UP!"
So now I'm not only frustrated, but I feel like an ungrateful ass. They only want to help. They want to see my to succeed, and all I can do is snap at them? I repay their interest, and their concern with anger.
People usually describe life as a path, a journey. Do you take the high road, or the low road? The easy way, or the way less traveled? Here's my question. What do you do when you can't even see the road? What do you when the path ends, and you are just left with unexplored, dense, dark forest?
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The Hoodie that Haunts Me
I probably hadn't realized it at the time, but the whole journey that I'm going on right now started with this hoodie. Just looking at this picture still makes me feel stressed out. Who knew something so pointless, so ridiculous, could still make me feel so... anxious... nervous...
The story isn't really worth retelling.
That's not the important part. It feels silly saying this, but seeing this damn thing still makes me feel like I'm about to get screamed at, or get a string of harassing emails. It makes me worry that all of that crazy is going to start up again.
I hate admitting it, but that whole "thing" really messed me up. I just take that as one sign that I'm making the right choice.
Hitting Reset
Growing up the adults around you always ask what you want to be when you're an adult. Usually the answer is something basic. An astronaut, a fire fighter, a ballerina, the President. They let you believe that you can be those things, and maybe, for some kids, that's possible.
For the rest of us however... Not so much.
What kid, when asked what their career goals are, is going to say, "I want to work 80 hour work weeks for minimum wage." Yet that seems to be the reality that 99% of kids are going to face.
Thats what I'm facing right now (although I'm far from a "kid")
I had a career. I was a Production Assistant in several TV shows and one or two movies. I was pretty good at it, too. Well, I didn't completely suck. In the beginning I loved my job. The idea of working towards becoming an AD sounded great. I met some amazing people, worked on some amazing shows, and managed to gain a pretty nice resume.
Yet, this last November I hit a wall, hard. Things had started going south about a year before, and while there were a few upswings, in general things had been getting worse and worse. The long, brutal hours were wearing on me, and the egos that you deal with on a day to day basis were getting out of control. I couldn't take it anymore, and I found it even difficult to force a smile most days, let alone really mean it.
I realized that I'm 28 years old, and while most of my friends are settling down and starting families, I was working 60-80 work weeks in a job that I just didn't love anymore. Let me rephrase that to make my feelings more clear.
I had grown to hate production work. Hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
I didn't hate the people (well, maybe one or two, but they earned it), but the work itself was far from rewarding. I would go weeks running on almost no sleep. The stress just kept building and building, and I was finding that it was more and more difficult to calm down. The constant worry of where the next job would be coming from was getting to me. Then when I had a job, the insane production schedules would stress me out even more. It started to feel like my life was rushing past me, and for what? For something that I had grown to hate? For a job where you are expected to put out maximum effort for minimum reward?
I remember on one show I began grinding my teeth so hard that the right side of the jaw locked up for a week. My immune system was shot, I wasn't healthy (mentally or physicaly.) That show, which shall remain nameless (and probably best forgotten), was the beginning of the end for me. The drama, the hours. I was lucky to have such an amazing support group in my department, but the immature, and damn near psychotic actions of one individual nearly drove me to a breakdown.
It's hard enough to deal with harrassment, but add in a frantic work day, and an average of three to four hours of sleep a night, and it is enough to land someone a one way ticket to the mental hospital.
Basically, I needed a change. Not wanted. Let me stress that. I did not just want to change careers. I needed to change careers.
Work is never fun, but when you wake up in tears because you've only had three hours sleep, and you would rather have someone shoot a harpoon in your right eye then step one foot onto set, there is something seriously wrong.
So, I stopped. I finished my last show (and caught pneumonia in the process), and I just stopped taking jobs.
Now, going back to work at my dad's law office I have a new problem.
I don't know what the hell I want to do.
I have basic ideas. I love writing, I love working in a creative atmosphere, I want a job that doesn't require me to drive all over God's green earth all day long, and most importantly, I want a job that will not become my whole life. I want a job that, when I leave after a normal eight hour day I can go home and not have to take everything from work home with me.
Now, after all that rambling, I shall get to my point.
I have reached my new square one. Well, more like a square zero. A square one means you at least have a plan, or an idea in what direction you plan on going. I, on the other hand, am clueless. So, here I go, trying to figure out my future at 28.
For the rest of us however... Not so much.
What kid, when asked what their career goals are, is going to say, "I want to work 80 hour work weeks for minimum wage." Yet that seems to be the reality that 99% of kids are going to face.
Thats what I'm facing right now (although I'm far from a "kid")
I had a career. I was a Production Assistant in several TV shows and one or two movies. I was pretty good at it, too. Well, I didn't completely suck. In the beginning I loved my job. The idea of working towards becoming an AD sounded great. I met some amazing people, worked on some amazing shows, and managed to gain a pretty nice resume.
Yet, this last November I hit a wall, hard. Things had started going south about a year before, and while there were a few upswings, in general things had been getting worse and worse. The long, brutal hours were wearing on me, and the egos that you deal with on a day to day basis were getting out of control. I couldn't take it anymore, and I found it even difficult to force a smile most days, let alone really mean it.
I realized that I'm 28 years old, and while most of my friends are settling down and starting families, I was working 60-80 work weeks in a job that I just didn't love anymore. Let me rephrase that to make my feelings more clear.
I had grown to hate production work. Hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
I didn't hate the people (well, maybe one or two, but they earned it), but the work itself was far from rewarding. I would go weeks running on almost no sleep. The stress just kept building and building, and I was finding that it was more and more difficult to calm down. The constant worry of where the next job would be coming from was getting to me. Then when I had a job, the insane production schedules would stress me out even more. It started to feel like my life was rushing past me, and for what? For something that I had grown to hate? For a job where you are expected to put out maximum effort for minimum reward?
I remember on one show I began grinding my teeth so hard that the right side of the jaw locked up for a week. My immune system was shot, I wasn't healthy (mentally or physicaly.) That show, which shall remain nameless (and probably best forgotten), was the beginning of the end for me. The drama, the hours. I was lucky to have such an amazing support group in my department, but the immature, and damn near psychotic actions of one individual nearly drove me to a breakdown.
It's hard enough to deal with harrassment, but add in a frantic work day, and an average of three to four hours of sleep a night, and it is enough to land someone a one way ticket to the mental hospital.
Basically, I needed a change. Not wanted. Let me stress that. I did not just want to change careers. I needed to change careers.
Work is never fun, but when you wake up in tears because you've only had three hours sleep, and you would rather have someone shoot a harpoon in your right eye then step one foot onto set, there is something seriously wrong.
So, I stopped. I finished my last show (and caught pneumonia in the process), and I just stopped taking jobs.
Now, going back to work at my dad's law office I have a new problem.
I don't know what the hell I want to do.
I have basic ideas. I love writing, I love working in a creative atmosphere, I want a job that doesn't require me to drive all over God's green earth all day long, and most importantly, I want a job that will not become my whole life. I want a job that, when I leave after a normal eight hour day I can go home and not have to take everything from work home with me.
Now, after all that rambling, I shall get to my point.
I have reached my new square one. Well, more like a square zero. A square one means you at least have a plan, or an idea in what direction you plan on going. I, on the other hand, am clueless. So, here I go, trying to figure out my future at 28.
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