Hitting Reset

Growing up the adults around you always ask what you want to be when you're an adult. Usually the answer is something basic. An astronaut, a fire fighter, a ballerina, the President. They let you believe that you can be those things, and maybe, for some kids, that's possible.

For the rest of us however... Not so much.

What kid, when asked what their career goals are, is going to say, "I want to work 80 hour work weeks for minimum wage." Yet that seems to be the reality that 99% of kids are going to face.

Thats what I'm facing right now (although I'm far from a "kid")

I had a career. I was a Production Assistant in several TV shows and one or two movies. I was pretty good at it, too.  Well, I didn't completely suck.  In the beginning I loved my job.  The idea of working towards becoming an AD sounded great.  I met some amazing people, worked on some amazing shows, and managed to gain a pretty nice resume.  

Yet, this last November I hit a wall, hard.  Things had started going south about a year before, and while there were a few upswings, in general things had been getting worse and worse.  The long, brutal hours were wearing on me, and the egos that you deal with on a day to day basis were getting out of control.  I couldn't take it anymore, and I found it even difficult to force a smile most days, let alone really mean it. 

I realized that I'm 28 years old, and while most of my friends are settling down and starting families, I was working 60-80 work weeks in a job that I just didn't love anymore. Let me rephrase that to make my feelings more clear. 

I had grown to hate production work. Hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.   

I didn't hate the people (well, maybe one or two, but they earned it), but the work itself was far from rewarding. I would go weeks running on almost no sleep. The stress just kept building and building, and I was finding that it was more and more difficult to calm down. The constant worry of where the next job would be coming from was getting to me. Then when I had a job, the insane production schedules would stress me out even more. It started to feel like my life was rushing past me, and for what? For something that I had grown to hate? For a job where you are expected to put out maximum effort for minimum reward?

I remember on one show I began grinding my teeth so hard that the right side of the jaw locked up for a week. My immune system was shot, I wasn't healthy (mentally or physicaly.) That show, which shall remain nameless (and probably best forgotten), was the beginning of the end for me. The drama, the hours. I was lucky to have such an amazing support group in my department, but the immature, and damn near psychotic actions of one individual nearly drove me to a breakdown.

It's hard enough to deal with harrassment, but add in a frantic work day, and an average of three to four hours of sleep a night, and it is enough to land someone a one way ticket to the mental hospital.

Basically, I needed a change. Not wanted. Let me stress that. I did not just want to change careers. I needed to change careers.

Work is never fun, but when you wake up in tears because you've only had three hours sleep, and you would rather have someone shoot a harpoon in your right eye then step one foot onto set, there is something seriously wrong.

So, I stopped. I finished my last show (and caught pneumonia in the process), and I just stopped taking jobs.

Now, going back to work at my dad's law office I have a new problem.

I don't know what the hell I want to do.

I have basic ideas. I love writing, I love working in a creative atmosphere, I want a job that doesn't require me to drive all over God's green earth all day long, and most importantly, I want a job that will not become my whole life. I want a job that, when I leave after a normal eight hour day I can go home and not have to take everything from work home with me.

Now, after all that rambling, I shall get to my point.

I have reached my new square one. Well, more like a square zero. A square one means you at least have a plan, or an idea in what direction you plan on going. I, on the other hand, am clueless. So, here I go, trying to figure out my future at 28.