The Day to Day

I was diagnosed as bi-polar when I was in college.  I had been drinking heavily, and had made the symptoms worse, more pronounced.  I remember being unable to get out of bed one day, and then not being able to sit still the next. 

After a failed suicide attempt, being hospitalized and finally finding sobriety in late 2007 I began to level out.  Without the alcohol causing my mood swings to spiral out of control I returned to a more leveled state.  I still have my ups and downs, but now I can work through them, fight through them.

The reason I mention this is because, right now, I am starting to realize that the stress from trying to figure out my future is causing my mood swings to ramp up slightly. 

That is, until today.  Today I feel level. 

When someone says they feel level, it doesn't mean they feel flat or emotionless, it means they feel calm.  Their emotions match the severity (or lack there of) of the situation that surrounds you.  Today, I feel level for the first time in a while. 

It doesn't take much to bring me down usually.  Sitting and reading a book, or avoiding computers or anything to stimulating tends to help calm mania, and forcing myself to get up and get moving tends to help sooth my depression. 

Last night, sitting on the back porch with my father, watching American Werewolf in London, helped bring me back to normal.   Just having a moment reconnecting with the people who are most important to me is all it took.

Now, as I feel calmer, more centered, I can see that fog lifting, just a little, and I can start to see the outline of an idea, of a possible future, of a direction.  It's like there is a big sign at the middle of a forked road.  One arrow pointed down one path, the second aimed down another. 

I can't read what the sign says, but at least I know it's there.  I don't know exactly where the paths lead, but I have a growing idea.  It doesn't sound like much, but it's such a relief to see something, anything start to form within my mind.  

At least I know now that square one isn't that far away.