A NOTE: While most people who know me will know who I am talking about, please refrain from using their name in any comments about this post. This isn't about dragging someone's name through the mud. This is about a bit of blog related therapy.
Ever since I posted that picture of the "Bobby's Bunnies" hoodie, I couldn't stop thinking about that situation. Also, I couldn't stop thinking about how I worded that post.
It is so easy, when looking back on something as oddly traumatic as that, to ignore the role that you yourself play in what happened. The way that first post was worded made it sound like some great wrong was committed against me. What that post left out is the role that I played in all of that, and the blame that I have to shoulder.
So, no, I'm not going to rehash the whole story. I know that if I do I'll automatically go on the defensive and create a narrative that favors my side. This isn't exactly a forum where others can fight back or state their side of the story, and honestly, I don't want to be the person that ignores their own fault.
So, what exactly was my fault? Easy, I lied. The lie itself was not the catalyst that started everything (that would be the hoodie from the earlier post), but it was the tipping point.
It wasn't a calculated move. It was a sin made out of panic. That doesn't make it any less wrong. Honestly, at least in my mind, it makes it worse. When confronted I failed. Instead of responding honestly and taking my "punishment", I lied. I wasn't strong enough to own up to what I had done, even if I felt that what I had done didn't equal the reaction.
I was weak, and scared, and in such a panic that I not only lied, but I created a lie that dragged other people into my mess. Instead of facing what scared me (or in this case, a person who scared me) I not only hid, but I dragged others into my stupidity, and in turn, risked their jobs.
I am not a good liar.
At least, I'm not a good liar under pressure. I'm a storyteller (not that you could tell from reading this blog), and when I panic I create tales. Not just simple lies, or pleading the fifth. I created a story so ridiculous, so outlandishly stupid, that I was just begging to be found out. If I hadn't eventually told the truth I am very sure that the whole story would turn into ninjas breaking into the production office.
I need to pause for a moment. I'm finding myself doing exactly what I didn't want to do. By saying I lied out of fear automatically makes it seem like I am still the innocent one.
I am not innocent. I lied. The reasoning behind it does not matter. I had two choices. Be honest, or lie. I lied.
When I did finally tell the truth the damage was already done. I had lied to someone's face, and when they were told the truth, of course they wouldn't be happy with me. No one likes to be lied to on a normal day. Add in the emotional strain of not sleeping, and the pain of having to deal with watching something you had worked so hard at fall apart around you, and those emotions tend to be magnified.
In the end everyone involved got what they deserved, and yet that guilt remains.
Do I think the other person involved feels guilty for what they did to me?
No.
I would never expect them to. Even while excepting my role in the way things played out, my view of the other person involved in that whole ordeal has not changed, and probably never well. Professionally, I believe they are one of the best in the business.
Now we've reached the point where I stop being diplomatic. Just a warning.
Personally, I believe that the other person involved is a spoiled, emotionally manipulative child trapped in the body of an adult. The words that come to mind right now are harsh and cruel, but I won't put them here. Just know that my opinion of that person, and they know exactly who they are, is beyond low.
Do I think they care? No. Why would they? I doubt they have ever cared what other people think or feel, not unless it served them, and their goals. They do not view people as friends, but as those who should worship the "genius" that is their ego.
I can understand anger, frustration, even feeling betrayed, but I cannot, and will not, deal with behavior that some could describe as psychotic.
I know that not everyone will agree with me. Some people have had amazing experiences with that person, and continue to have a healthy working relationship with them. I do not want to change your mind. I just want to clear mine.
Alright, taking a deep breath.
The point of all of this is to close this particular chapter of my life. To exorcise it from my mind, and let everything go, including my guilt. I will accept my part. I will also do something else. I will finally, truly, forgive the person who did put me through that.
One small chapter closed. A chapter that should have been a blip on the radar of my life became an emotional hurricane. It sounds so stupid typing that, but it's the truth. I let it balloon into something that it never should have been. I gave it, and that person, a power over me that I should never have allowed.
So, she-demon be gone!
Exorcism complete.
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